


tender ruination | dojae/jaedo

by valendoie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Implied Sexual Content, Infidelity, JaeDo, Love Triangles, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, They don't work out at the end im soz :(, Violinist Doyoung, dojae, im bad at tagging, slight johnil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27062494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valendoie/pseuds/valendoie
Summary: What Taeyong and Jaehyun had was a classic romance novel cliche ;  opposites attracted to each other. A saint and a sinner, an angel and the devil he’d converted. Or so he thought. Jung Jaehyun was darn good at keeping secrets.True infidels never get caught, after all.A part of Doyoung still wonders, would things be different if he made the first move and spoke to him? Would things still end up as twisted as they presently are?
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Mark Lee/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 26
Kudos: 68





	1. tulips and alcohol

**Author's Note:**

> some disclaimers before you begin reading -  
> -> contains minor violence  
> -> mind games (minor)  
> -> implied sexual content  
> -> does not have a happy ending! just all angst sadly :P  
> -> pretty complicated cobweb of relationships  
> -> loosely inspired by the drama "Do you like Brahms?" (i highly recommend it!)
> 
> all parts will be uploaded within this week!

**Prologue**

  
  


It all began at a train station one fateful snowy mid-winter morning. A blue bench with paint chipping off it, slightly damp since the snow had just been freshly wiped from it. Two boys perched on opposite ends of it, none acknowledging each other. 

Doyoung had glanced at him out of curiosity. Headphones plugged into his ears and hair dyed blonde, he was attractive. Same uniforms. They went to the same school. 

Attention seeker. Doyoung had scoffed internally, but really he was just jealous. Doyoung was like that. A self-proclaimed hypocrite who indulged in his destructive habits. A critically flawed human being. He didn’t know it back then, but Jaehyun was the exact same. Behind his aloof and innocent demeanour, another critically flawed being. Maybe that’s why they didn’t end up together, being so similar they made each other’s ugly sides rear their heads. Jaehyun ended up with Taeyong, Doyoung’s best friend and Doyoung ended up a bitter man harbouring one sided feelings for his best friend’s boyfriend. Not that he’d ever admit it to anyone, no. 

See, what Taeyong and Jaehyun had was a classic romance novel cliche ; opposites attracted to each other. A saint and a sinner, an angel and the devil he’d converted. Or so he thought. Jung Jaehyun was darn good at keeping secrets.

True infidels never get caught, after all. 

A part of Doyoung still wonders, would things be different if he made the first move and spoke to him? Would things still end up as twisted as they presently are? 

-

**Chapter 1**

  
  


_I hate Tulips._

Doyoung clutches the bouquet to his chest tightly, throwing his head back to laugh with Marcus or Matthew, he didn’t really manage to make out his name from his nervous rambling. “I hope you can visit our school soon!”

“I will! Hahah...I’ll talk to my agent about it!” Doyoung reaches out and takes his business card. _Mark_ , bows and scurries away after waving at him. As soon as he’s out of sight Doyoung slumps against the wall and lets out a huff. He runs a hand through his hair and scowls at the bouquet in distaste, “Guess you’re coming with me now.” 

Like he doesn’t have enough in his arms, he shakes his head. His shoulders are slumped in exhaustion. He feels his irritability begin to rise but has to swallow the feeling and move on. He grips the handle of his suitcase tighter, feet tapping the ground impatiently.

Why isn’t anyone here to pick him up yet? He can’t deal with anymore ‘fans’ coming up to him to promote another business deal or request a special performance. In a matter of a year he’s become some neighborhood vigilante-esque figure in Seoul. As much as he’s missed it’s skies and his mother’s homemade dishes, he isn’t used to this new fame he garnered himself. Maybe he was better off in France. Just maybe. 

“Doyoung!”

Although he’s relieved hearing someone call for him, the sight in front of him is enough to make an impeccable amount of annoyance rush through him. For a split second he has the urge to cover his eyes to shade them from the view. Taeyong’s rushing through the airport, the messenger bag swung over his shoulder nearly falling off. Closely following behind him is Jaehyun, his hand on the small of Taeyong’s back. Doyoung isn’t sure if it’s just him, but they look disgustingly lovestruck. He isn’t aware that he’s staring at them until Taeyong snaps his fingers in front of his eyes to pull him out of his reverie. 

“Doyoung,” He smiles. Taeyong shrugs his shoulders in happiness and grasps Jaehyun’s hand that’s gently placed on his shoulder, eyes travelling to him lovingly and then back at Doyoung. “We wanted to surprise you!” 

Doyoung scoffs, “Left me waiting out here for long enough.” 

Taeyong punches him on the shoulder, “What, you too famous to wait now or something?” Doyoung glares at him, nursing the spot he hit. “Yes, actually.” He holds the bouquet up to emphasize his point. 

“Tulips.” Another velvety voice pipes into the conversation. Jaehyun looks at Doyoung funnily, “You hate them.” Doyoung meets his gaze and a part of him is irked. He has to bite back an indignant scoff and for once he truly doesn’t know what to say. Taeyong ‘Ooh’s and smiles while Doyoung only looks away from the eyes that render him speechless.

“ _Someone_ remembers. I had my doubts if you could even remember what he looked like.” Taeyong jokes, he points at Jaehyun and stares at Doyoung with a get-a-load-of-this look, “He actually had the audacity to say ‘Doyoung who?’ this morning!” 

“Babe!” Jaehyun laughs and places a kiss on top of Taeyong’s head before locking eyes with Doyoung again, “I could never forget Doyoung.” The words have a double meaning and Doyoung picks up on the almost masterfully concealed glint of mischief in Jaehyun’s eyes. He hasn’t changed at all in a year. He blinks down at Taeyong and flashes him a dimpled smile, “He’s your best friend after all, babe.” Taeyong smiles at him and then extends an arm out to Doyoung. “I’ve missed you, famous guy.” They hug and Doyoung stares at Jaehyun. His arms are crossed and he doesn’t miss the chance to intimidate Doyoung, not pulling away from the incredibly uncomfortable eye contact. 

A forlorn and hollow feeling fills Doyoung’s chest. It’s almost laughable. Hypocritical, how he feels sad for himself even while being in the wrong. Taeyong pulls away and when Doyoung looks at him guilt hits him like a freight train. He did him wrong. So wrong. And although Taeyong’s oblivious to it for the time being, there’s a drift between them. Nothing’s the same, and there’s no going back from here. “Grab drinks with us later?” Taeyong looks at him expectantly even furrowing his eyebrows to flash Doyoung his best puppy-eyes.

Doyoung can only scratch the back of his neck awkwardly, his eyes flit to Jaehyun and then back at Taeyong, “I don’t know I’m pretty tired….”

Taeyong clasps his hands together and whines, “C’mon I already told the other guys to meet us at our usual place tonight!” Jaehyun isn’t of much help, only standing there silently with his hands stuffed in his pockets. With Taeyong being so adamant, Doyoung concludes that it can’t be helped. He has to agree. It would be nice to catch up with everyone from college again, plus everything should be fine as long as he strays away from Jaehyun. 

“Okay.” He says, making Taeyong let out an excited laugh. He links his arm with Doyoung’s and begins to drag him away. Like the good boyfriend he is, Jaehyun offers to help with the luggage and Doyoung lets him. If he’s being nice, might as well reap the benefits. They walk out of the airport and the warm air envelopes them. A familiar figure leans against a car, busy fiddling with his phone. A cigarette clasped in his hand. He looks up only when Taeyong stomps over and flicks it out of his hand. “No smoking.” 

Yuta rolls his eyes, “Killjoy.” His eyes flicker to Doyoung’s figure and a huge mischievous grin forms on his face, “If it isn’t the man of the hour.” He reaches his hand out and Doyoung follows, they bump shoulders and pat each other on the back. “How’ve you been man?” 

“Managing.” Doyoung laughs and Yuta begins teasing him. He holds Doyoung’s face to analyze it. He lets out a grunt of disapproval and smacks Doyoung’s cheek, “Competition really did a number on you.” The sentence makes Doyoung scoff. It’s an understatement. 

“Why are you here anyways?” Yuta wasn’t one to offer to pick friends up from airports. He usually never went out unless it was for drinks. He enjoyed staying indoors working on tuning violins and fixing them up. He shrugs, “You’ll see soon.” Doyoung stares at him in suspicion and Taeyong rolls his eyes, “He’s picking up one of his boyfriends.” 

Yuta lets out a ‘tsk’ and waves someone over, “We’re just friends messing around.” 

A figure jogs over to them, “Sorry I’m late- Oh?” It’s Mark staring up at Doyoung who uncomfortably waves at him. “Hi?” 

He blinks for a couple of seconds before politely bowing, “I didn’t think we’d meet so soon!” Doyoung nods and runs his hand through his hair, a little frustrated. “Yeah but here we are.” Mark seems to pick up on his discomfort and purses his lips into a thin line, “Right.” Doyoung gulps and grimaces a little. It’s uncomfortable. The other three stare at them for a while until Yuta clears his throat and wraps an arm around Mark’s shoulder, “Guys this is Mark. Mark meet Taeyong, his boyfriend Jaehyun and well, you already know Doyoung.” 

Mark waves at them and then his eyes flit to Doyoung’s “Yeah I had a layover at France and we were on the same flight,” He points at the flowers, “I got them for him at the airport.” Jaehyun’s gaze on him is blisteringly intense. “Doyoung doesn’t like tulips.” The statement gets him a smack on the chest from Taeyong followed by a not so hushed whisper of him reprimanding Jaehyun. He shrugs his shoulders and Mark’s ears turn red in embarrassment. He sucks in a breath through his teeth, sensing the tension in the air. 

“You guys,” Yuta rolls his eyes, “You’ll scare the poor guy away.” He grabs Mark’s suitcase and ushers him away, “See, Doyoung’s a picky little shit-head and Jaehyun...I don’t know what’s up with him.” 

Doyoung throws Jaehyun a glare. He wraps his hands around Taeyong’s waist and smirks. “We’ll pick you up at 8?” Taeyong asks, to which Doyoung shakes his head, “I’ll go to Yuta’s to get my violin checked and head over with him” 

Taeyong pouts and nods, “Okay...Don’t be late!” 

Yuta calls for all of them after getting all the luggage in his trunk and they pile into his car. Mark’s called shotgun and Doyoung, much to his annoyance, is left with the pair of lovers. The backseat has enough space for three people to comfortably sit, but Jaehyun holds Taeyong to him. One of his legs is swung over Jaehyun’s and his head is buried in his chest. Doyoung holds back an eye roll and looks away. He leans his head on the window and closes his eyes.

Mark glances at the three through the rear-view mirror and lets out a huff. It’s going to be a long ass ride.

-

Doyoung stares at himself in the mirror. It’s been hours since he’s been home. He had entered his apartment and gone straight to bed, waking up only because of his phone incessantly pinging due to Yuta’s many texts and calls. They’re going to be late. Still, Doyoung takes his time. He dips a finger in the concealer and puts some of it under his eyes and on the bruising on the side of his neck where his Violin usually sits. He’s sure it’s bound to get him crude remarks from the other boys. 

After applying a bit of cologne and putting on a loose fitting shirt, he heads out of his house with his Violin case swung over his shoulder. He hails a cab and by the time he arrives at Yuta’s place, the clock reads 7:50. Yuta’s standing outside, having a smoke and he grumbles at the sight of Doyoung. “Took you long enough.” He throws the cigarette onto the ground and snubs it with his foot. He leads Doyoung up the stairs to his quaint workshop and grabs his Violin from him. “Sit.” He gestures towards the couch and Doyoung finds Mark sitting there. His hair is all messy and when Doyoung gets closer he spots the trail of angry red hickies littered across his neck. _Someone’s_ been busy. Mark catches him staring and immediately turns red. 

The interior of the shop hasn’t changed at all. It’s dimly lit with lamps and hanging bulbs over the workstation. Behind it are shelves filled with books and music notes, with little souvenirs and miscellaneous gifts decorating every surface there is. Doyoung’s eyes widen, he reaches into his bag and takes out a little gift box. “From France.” He walks up to Yuta and places it in front of him, who in turn just grumbles in response. 

Yuta is immersed in his work, and other than the noises of him fiddling with the strings, an awkward silence envelopes them all. Doyoung takes another glance at Mark. He purses his lips and sighs, fishing the familiar tub of concealer out of his bag. “Here.” He holds it out. Mark stares at him with wide eyes and with a quick ‘thank you’ he starts to clumsily smear it across his neck, barely covering anything. Doyoung ‘tsk’s in frustration, “Not like that-here, let me.” He holds the back of Mark’s neck to steady him and gently presses his fingers against the tender spots. 

“Thank you.” His voice is barely above a whisper. He clears his throat before speaking again, a little louder, but still hesitant, “Sorry, I think we got off on the wrong foot.” 

Now see, that incites a laugh out of Doyoung. It's sharp and loud. He finds it funny how naive Mark is. To be apologizing for something he didn’t even mess up. Doyoung remembers to take a mental note to learn a thing or two from the boy who stares at him wide-eyed before nervously laughing along. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just...like Yuta said, picky.” He admits, deciding that he’ll try to be civil with the boy and who knows, maybe one day forge a friendship.

“Picky?” Mark inquires. He doesn’t really understand Doyoung’s sense of...well, anything. He just finds him incredibly intimidating and unbearably attractive. But, the more they converse, the more Mark finds himself getting comfortable around his presence. He realizes that Doyoung is incredibly witty...almost to a fault. Yuta walks over to the sight of them laughing and he has to hold back a smile at how Mark’s looking at Doyoung. _Adorable_ , he wants to say but holds back. “We should head out before Taeyong comes over and drags us away.” He hands Doyoung’s violin back to him and Doyoung mumbles out a ‘thanks’. Yuta drives them to the restaurant and Doyoung finds himself genuinely enjoying their company. Before he knows it, they’ve arrived. 

“Doyoung my man!” He’s met with tipsy cheers from his friends and a hand wraps around his shoulder, while another ruffles his hair. Taeil and Lucas stare at him happily and the table comes to life with chatter. He’s dragged away to take a seat and someone pours him a drink. Mark’s sitting beside him and Yuta is across from him. To his relief, Taeyong and Jaehyun sit at the absolute opposite end of the table. 

He begins to catch up with all the other boys and how their lives are going. Learning that Taeil’s about to be done with his masters degree and on the road to becoming a professor, Lucas spends his time working on his DJ-ing skills. Their friend, Ten is an up and coming actor and Johnny’s about to take over his father’s business. The boys coerce him into taking shot after shot and Doyoung becomes quite tipsy. Mark participates in the conversation actively too, telling everyone stories of school and how things are in Canada. 

A cool breeze flows through the dining area on the outdoor terrace they’re at. Jaehyun, ever so enthusiastic to play the role of perfect boyfriend, shrugs his coat off and drapes it across a drowsy Taeyong’s shoulder. 

For a while, things are calm. The air is filled with happy sounds and scents of clinking glasses, lively chatter and sizzling meat. Reaching for a piece of diced radish with his chopsticks, Doyoung’s gaze focuses on Mark’s neck, “Oh! Hickey!” He whisper-yells at Mark. He smiles up at Doyoung and with a chuckle says, “Oh no! Can you lend me your concealer again?” Doyoung clumsily reaches into his bag pulling out the pot of magic before opening it and dipping a finger, “There.” He dots it onto Mark’s skin and smoothes it out until it seamlessly blends into his skin. “Thank you!” Mark giggles at him. For once, Doyoung’s just living in the moment. He isn’t judging or analyzing or thinking, he’s just enjoying whatever comes at him.

From the other side of the table, Jaehyun swirls his drink in his shot glass before bringing it up to his lips. It burns, he stares at Doyoung and Mark. Beside him Taeyong has completely dozed off and others are having drunk almost nonsensical conversations. But, Doyoung. Something about him just irks Jaehyun and he grips the glass tightly in his hand before leaning forward. He puts on his best smile, “Mark!” 

The boy looks around, a little puzzled, before finding Jaehyun. He smiles at him and waves, “Hey! We haven’t talked much!” Jaehyun nods at him before laughing gently. 

“So what do you do?” He raises an eyebrow at Mark, pouring himself another glass of alcohol. 

“Me? Oh nothing much! My dad owns a school that I look after and I’m getting a business degree in college!” Jaehyun nods, he’s well off. “How’d you two meet?” He glances between him and Yuta. He slams his hand down on the table with a smile, beginning to reminisce on a memory, “He sat on a student’s violin and came running to me with it! You should’ve seen him, he almost cried!” Yuta grips his stomach and his shoulder shakes with laughter while Mark jokingly throws him a glare, “Did not!” 

Jaehyun joins them, eyes becoming crescent moons as he displays his sweet eye smile. He points between Doyoung and Mark, “And you two?” Mark stares at him in bewilderment and Doyoung looks up from his drink, finally acknowledging Jaehyun. “You seem pretty cosy, so how did you meet?” Jaehyun leans his cheek against his hand, trying to feign curiosity. 

“Oh! I thought I told you before? We met at the airport and I got him flowers.” 

Jaehyun snaps his finger, like he’s just remembered something, “Ahh! The tulips?” A sheepish grin makes its way onto Mark’s face, “Yeah and I requested him to play at our school!” His eyes glitter with excitement. Bingo. Jaehyun raises a brow, “Oh? I thought Doyoung usually found requests annoying.But I’m sure you’re an exception, I think he finds you cute!” 

After all these years Jaehyun’s picked up some things about Doyoung. He knows for a fact that Doyoung hates leading people on with a burning passion, after countless bitter experiences with past admirers it’s become a peeve of his. And, that when Doyoung has a couple of drinks in him he’s as blunt as a rubber sword. Doyoung narrows his eyes at Jaehyun and abruptly says, “No.” 

“No?” Jaehyun furrows his eyebrows, but Doyoung sees that glint. The same glint of mischief. “I don’t find him cute, stop spewing crap.” He clenches his jaw and the atmosphere around the table changes. All eyes are on Doyoung and Mark. And he feels bad when he senses Mark shrink under their gazes. But facts are facts and he had to put it out there before anyone misunderstood. “That isn’t nice, Doyoung.” Jaehyun says in concern, “You don’t have to be that blunt.” He can see how it riles him up more and has to bite back a smirk. Doyoung’s fist lands on the table with a slam making everyone jolt in their places. “It’s facts, stop putting stuff in my mouth.” 

“Facts?” 

“Yes facts. I don’t find Mark cute.” 

Jaehyun feigns confusion, tilting his head innocently, “But I thought you’re going to take his request.” He blinks at Doyoung, a corner of his mouth lifting ever so slightly.

Doyoung scoffs at Jaehyun’s words and how he’s trying to paint Doyoung into this false narrative irritates him to no end. The alcohol muddling his mind sure doesn’t help. In fact, it fans the flames.The feeling of Jaehyun messing with him makes him sizzle and itch from the inside to say something to prove him wrong, and with his filter long gone with the shots he downed, the words slip out easily, “I was never going to do that. The public loves a charitable saint and I have to please the public. Comes with the job.” He shrugs, “And he’s screwing Yuta anyway.” The screech of a chair follows his words. Mark’s standing, face as red as a tomato and chest heaving up and down as he takes deep breaths. For a split second he stares at Doyoung scornfully. This is the same guy who laughed and joked with? The same guy who put concealer on him to hide the marks on his neck from others, the same guy he thought he could look up to? Mark wonders if it’s some sick and twisted game, to be understanding of him one second and then reduce him to the-guy-who’s-screwing-yuta the next. 

But on Doyoung’s end it really isn’t intentional. It’s fueled by his hoard of issues and the constant fight, silent fight for power and ego he has going on with Jaehyun. Bringing Mark inside it as collateral damage isn’t what Doyoung planned, at all. But, on Jaehyun’s side it’s a strategy, fueled by his pride and jealousy. Even so, it makes Doyoung disappointed in himself. It’s a bitter reminder, telling him ‘This is who you really are.’ Sure, with a sober mind he wouldn’t dare say the words, but they were always in his mind, often showing in his actions and behaviour. How long did he expect to keep the good guy facade up in front of naive little Mark, it was only a matter of time before he found out Doyoung’s real nature. It’s a shitty feeling because Doyoung really truly was trying to get along. To filter his thoughts, to show restraint and maturity.

Mark tears his gaze away from Doyoung and reddens further when he notices that the entire table is staring at him. He throws his napkin onto the table and gathers his things, “I need to get some air.” He mumbles before scurrying away. It seems to sober everyone up and Yuta purses his lips into a thin line and glares at Doyoung before running after Mark. The table is silent as they gaze at Doyoung. For them it’s expected behaviour from Doyoung and they look away one by one, walking on eggshells to avoid being the subject of Doyoung’s next string of venomous words. 

Doyoung feels wronged, his cheeks puff in anger again and he points an accusatory finger at Jaehyun, “He set me up!” 

“I was only trying to get along…” Jaehyun’s voice is quiet and gentle. Like he’s capable of doing no wrong. 

“You knew how I’d react!” Doyoung gets up abruptly and slams his hand onto the middle of the table, making it shake underneath the weight. “How would I know? We barely talk!” His eyebrows furrow. Doyoung’s gaze on him wavers and he wants to take a step back and let out a laugh. A genuine hearty laugh, at just how idiotically he walked straight into Jaehyun’s web. Jung Jaehyun is a hell of an actor. 

“You-,” Doyoung inches closer to him to yell out a comeback but the words get stuck in his throat. 

_You know how I get when I’m drunk._

_You know it from our countless drunk nights when we hooked up._

They’re words that Doyoung wants to say but he can’t. He has the power to end everything right here, right now. All of Jaehyun’s games, but really what benefit can it bring him? To Doyoung it would be airing his dirty laundry and tucking his tail in defeat. Two birds, one stone for Jaehyun. And Doyoung was not one to lose so quickly, driven by competition and spite. “Fuck you!” Jaehyun raises his eyebrows in amusement more than anything. 

_You already have, baby._

Doyoung throws his napkin down on the table too and grabs his bag. He excuses himself from everyone and as he’s leaving he hears Taeyong stir awake after everything, asking Jaehyun what’s wrong. 

“Nothing, baby. Doyoung’s just out of it.” 

Doyoung’s fist clenches. If he could he’d drop kick Jaehyun then and there.

He decides to head to the bathroom, hoping a splash of cold water will help him cool down and think clearer. But when he opens the bathroom door a little, Yuta’s back is to him. Mark is sitting on the counter, clearly upset and Yuta’s whispering hushed reassurances to him. As much as he’d like to barge in and apologize, Doyoung doesn’t do that. Apologies don’t come to him naturally. That sounds like an excuse, and really? It is an excuse. He doesn’t _want_ to apologize. There’s no place for him here, and instead of trying to make space, he just runs a frustrated hand through his hair and walks away. Running from his mistakes, like always. 

Jaehyun could be considered as another mistake he’s running from. An elaborate chase. But it’s much more complicated than that. The one thing that keeps him tethered to Jaehyun is the genuine attraction he feels towards him. Sometime’s Doyoung thinks it’s just physical. But then the little voice from his heart pipes up and tells him it really isn’t so, to which Doyoung only asks, then what else? Jaehyun is horrible. Just a pretty boy with a vain heart, cruel to his core. So, why can’t Doyoung let go? 

He stuffs his hands in his pockets, walking outside the restaurant. He stands on the street, listening to the faint tunes that play inside the restaurant. Fishing into his bag he pulls out the familiar carton his hands were itching for. He takes out a cigarette and lights it, breathing it in to let the feelings of the day wash away until his mind’s in a state of grey. It’s one of his guilty pleasures, he closes his eyes and leans against the wall. Tilting his head back, he revels in the temporary and familiar calmness it brings. Faintly, his ears pick up the sound of footsteps approaching, boots scraping against gravel. A few seconds pass, he breathes out smoke. Someone leans beside him and he stiffens. The cigarette in his hands is snatched away from him before he can take another puff and Jaehyun presses it against his own lips. 

Doyoung has to scoff, “Not afraid of your boyfriend telling you off?” Jaehyun smirks, “What he doesn’t know won’t kill him. And you, of all people, should know I’m a man of many secrets.” 

He’s met with a scowl from the older boy. There’s a certain kind of tension building in the air, and the logical part of Doyoung tells him to walk away. “He wasn’t your type, I think I did you some good, there.” Jaehyun goads. Doyoung crosses his arms and stares Jaehyun down, intimidatingly. “Stop giving me those ‘fuck-me’ eyes, use your words Kim Doyoung.”

Doyoung laughs, bemused, “Please. That’s the last thing I want to do right now.” Jaehyun finds it amusing. He raises an eyebrow, “Why the sudden abstinence?” 

“Because I hate you-”

“Hate fucking exists.” 

Doyoung takes a deep breath. He has a comeback for everything, doesn’t he? Jaehyun steps on the cigarette with the sole of his boots and gazes at Doyoung. His physique makes something stir in Jaehyun. He’s been working out. Doyoung’s shoulders look bigger, and his chest seems wider. Even under the weird light of the lamp, his face is undeniably beautiful. Doyoung falls silent under Jaehyun’s lust filled stare. It’s like he’s spell-bound. The logical part of his brain is practically screaming at him to walk away but he stays rooted to his place, only moving backwards when Jaehyun steps towards him. When his back hits the wall, Doyoung licks his lips, knowing exactly what’s about to happen. Jaehyun places a hand beside his head, looking down at Doyoung’s lips. The tension builds, making a zoo of butterflies swarm Doyoung’s stomach and he finds himself not being able to wait for it anymore. Despite his hatred for Jaehyun it seems that his pining always wins. He leans in and so does Jaehyun, trapping each other’s lips in a heated kiss. It tastes bitter, like ash and alcohol. 

He was better off in France. 

Seoul is the city of all his vices and guilty pleasures. And, being the fatally flawed human being that he is, Doyoung succumbs to them all. 


	2. chocolate and confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly fuck it i'll just upload everything tonight

**Chapter 2**

Doyoung’s violin is pressed harshly against his skin, slender bony fingers pressing down on the strings with so much pressure it’s sure to leave indents. His music is sharp, concise. He sways with the rhythm, eyes closed so he can feel it, control it with every breath. The hand that holds the bow alternates between soft strokes and harsh, rough and abrupt ones. Beads of perspiration forms on his forehead. The music gets louder with crescendos building up to the climax and with one last, dramatic swipe of the bow Doyoung tilts his head back, like he’s a bird set free. Doyoung on stage truly is a divine sight. 

His chest heaves up and down, coming down from the high that music brought him. The adrenaline rush dies down and he can finally breathe again. 

“Doyoung.” Someone bursts through the double doors. The echo of their voice is so loud it makes Doyoung’s eyes fly open and he sees Yuta rushing to him while employees scurry to hold him back. “What’s wrong with you?” The event manager barks at him, to which Doyoung pipes up, “I know him, he’s a friend.” The middle aged man glares at Yuta and then shifts his gaze to Doyoung. His lips are pressed in a thin line with barely concealed annoyance coming off from him in waves. “Fine. Mic check over folks!” With a glare Yuta roughly shrugs off the hands that restrain him. Staff members rush to Doyoung. Someone takes his violin away from his hand replacing it with a bottle of water, another person blots his makeup and fixes any stray pieces of hair displaced from their swept back state and someone else gently pats the sweat away from his skin. “Thank you.” Doyoung smiles and politely bows at them while they quickly scurry away to do other backstage work. That leaves just Doyoung and Yuta in the room. 

“Yu-”

“Apologize to Mark.” He cuts Doyoung off. He lets out a sigh and crosses his arms, “Can’t we just move on and forget about it?” Yuta sucks a breath of frustration in through his teeth and balls his fists up at his side. “No! Doyoung you can’t just humiliate someone like that and not be sorry!” Doyoung shakes his head in stubbornness. Confrontations are not his thing and if it makes him a bad person then so be it, he didn’t consider himself a saint and frankly, he didn’t care what the consequences of his behaviour were. Mark will move on, and Doyoung doesn’t need to be in his life. In his books, he had done no wrong, still adamantly convinced that Jaehyun set him up. He barely apologizes when he’s wrong, so he sure as hell isn’t going to be apologising when it isn’t even due. 

“I don’t do apologies, Yuta.” He scowls at him when he’s answered by a scoff. “Y’know Doyoung I thought you were different. A little rough at the edges, sure but not a bad human being from the inside.” Yuta is a no-nonsense person, Doyoung should’ve seen this coming but it still catches him off guard making an aching pulse build in his temple. “Let’s talk later, I don’t want to do this right now.” 

“No, Doyoung. I’m done with you. God knows what the fuck made you like this, but I’m done. You get what you want, I hope you move on happily.” Yuta reaches into his bag and takes out the handkerchief he’d bought for Doyoung. His initials are embroidered on it, Yuta slams it down on the stage. “Find me if you ever grow up and decide to be civil.” With that he storms away leaving an upset Doyoung in his wake. He crouches down and picks it up, holding the napkin to his chest. It’s another loss Doyoung shoves to the back of his mind so he doesn’t have to deal with it, but some words linger with him the entire day.

_What the fuck made you like this?_

What made Doyoung like this? 

“Kim Doyoung? What made you the way you are?” He snaps back to reality to find a woman smiling at him expectantly. Hours have passed since Yuta's confrontation. She’s holding a mic and Doyoung looks around. The spotlight is on him and the crowd of people stare in anticipation of his answer. He looks down while he ponders on his thoughts. It’s after his performance, a question and answer session wherein he has to squawk out answers, formulated by his publicity team, like an obedient parrot. 

There’s a lot of things that’s made Doyoung the way he is. And, unsurprisingly most of them aren’t pleasant experiences. His life has been an endless thunder-storm, an ebb and flow of the calm and then sudden decline. A myriad of misunderstandings with only silver linings to keep him going. It’s nights alone and bruises on the precious hands he treasures, it’s the deprivation of chances to chase his dream and the horrible experiences that make him who he is. The things that have built this complex, innate hatred for people within him. In his life he is an actor, and the world is his stage, where he has to swap out mask after mask. Please people so they work for you, keep your friends close and enemies closer ; words which resonate with him deeply.

Doyoung smiles at the crowd and turns his mic on, “That’s a difficult question to answer,” He laughs before pursing his lips in deep thought again, “Umm…well, I mean, my love for music definitely comes from childhood influences and I think it’s just that love that drives me to do what I do today. That’s a big part of who I am.” The crowd hums in understanding. 

“Lovely! On that note, we will have to wrap up today’s show. Thank you for joining us!” An applause breaks out and Doyoung stands up. He buttons his blazer before waving at the crowd, bowing to important people, mouthing a ‘thank you’ in response to the compliments. The host walks backstage and the place begins to empty out. Doyoung undoes the button on his blazer and throws it over one of the couches, slumping down on the other. 

He undoes a button on his dress shirt and the buttons of the cuffs of it, rolling the sleeves up to his elbow. He’s sure his neck’s bruised again and he hisses when he touches the spot. 

“You should go easier on yourself.” He looks up to see Jaehyun, dressed in a suit, walking onto stage. He holds out a bouquet in front of Doyoung’s face. It’s a bouquet of white roses. “Wheres-” 

“Taeyong? He couldn’t make it.” 

“And  _ you _ came anyway?” Jaehyun shrugs that and shoves the bouquet into Doyoung’s grasp. He leans against the arm of the couch facing Doyoung and smirks, “I heard Yuta paid you a visit.” 

Doyoung stares at him with a dead-pan look. Truly, he’s over the mind games. “Yeah and we aren’t friends anymore. You happy?” It makes Jaehyun’s smirk falter. Taeil had let him know that Yuta was fuming and planning on confronting Doyoung, but he didn’t know Mark meant so much that he’d cut connections with Doyoung over him. Jaehyun frowns at him, “But-” 

“Go away, Jaehyun. Please.” Doyoung buries his head in one of his hands while the other nurses the growing pain in his neck. All he wants to do is go home and curl into bed and fall asleep to soft music. 

“I’ll talk to Yuta.” Jaehyun stares at him with a serious look on his face. He runs his hand through his locks and lets out a sigh of frustration. Doyoung takes his face out of his palm and bewilderment paints his face as he gazes at Jaehyun. “Now why the fuck would you do that? Stop messing around.” 

“I’m not.” 

Doyoung’s eyebrows furrow and his eyes lock with Jaehyun’s. An indistinguishable look swims in his eyes, barely concealed by annoyance. He feels a weight lift from his chest but can’t help but be suspicious. It’s a first. Jaehyun wanting to make up for his mistakes is a first. Silence envelopes them until Jaehyun gets up from his seat and moves behind Doyoung. His hands grip Doyoung’s one on his neck and he removes it. His fingers brush over the bruising and Doyoung nearly hisses when they press against the area right under it. Jaehyun leans in and whispers into Doyoung’s ears, “Relax, hyung.” Feeling Jaehyun’s skin against his almost makes Doyoung want to give into his touch, but a sharp pang of anger resonates through him. 

_ So this is why he was so eager to help. _

As soon as the thought makes its way into his head, Doyoung shrugs the hands off his shoulders and stands up abruptly. If Jaehyun’s playing games, so can he. Swivelling to meet Jaehyun’s eyes, Doyoung approaches him, eyes darkening with every passing second. Jaehyun backs away until he feels the back of his thighs hitting the closed piano. He has to place his hands on the surface to balance himself while Doyoung leans in, dangerously close. “ _ This _ is why you’re helping?” 

Before he can reply, Doyoung is pressing his lips to Jaehyun’s. His hands slip to the back of Jaehyun’s neck, and then rise to his hair. He tugs on the strands, pulling him closer and bites down on his lip. It’s an angry and fervent kiss, with Doyoung moving roughly against Jaehyun. He’s furious. It rolls away from him in waves and as hot as Jaehyun finds whatever is going on, he’s afraid that he’s been seriously misunderstood. Pulling away, Doyoung leans his face in close to Jaehyun’s ear, “If you wanted to fuck me you could’ve just said so Jaehyun. No need to do me favours. Use your words.” He growls out, mocking the words Jaehyun said to him a few nights ago. “Hyung, you’re misunderstanding me-” He stops mid-sentence and lets out a sharp gasp when Doyoung nips his earlobe and sucks on it. Doyoung feels the shiver going up Jaehyun’s spine and he’s satisfied at the effect he’s having on him. Jaehyun moans when Doyoung grinds onto him. Before he knows it, he’s pulling him closer, hands tangled around Doyoung’s shoulders, misunderstandings be damned. The hard surface of the piano hurts his thighs but he’s too lost in the sensations he’s feeling to do anything about it. He can’t get enough of the way Doyoung is moving against him. Unfortunately for him, Doyoung doesn’t forget his anger.

He pulls away abruptly and breathlessly whispers, “My place at 9.” And with that, he’s gone, leaving Jaehyun to deal with the dilemma he’s stirred up in his pants. 

  
  


-

Sharp at 9 there’s two knocks against his door. Doyoung gulps down his wine hoping it’ll wash away the guilt and wrongdoings, and opens the door. It’s Jaehyun, just as he expected. After the act he pulled earlier, Jaehyun would be crazy not to show up. As soon as he gets in, Doyoung closes the door behind him and pins him to it, swooping in for a kiss. Jaehyun is quick to respond to it, kissing him back with just as much vigour. The memory of what happened on the piano had been imprinted in his mind, and he thought about it all day. Their hands are on each other and they waste no time in moving to Doyoung’s bed where they lose themselves, each chasing their lust induced spine-tingling climaxes. Doyoung swears he sees stars in his eyes when he reaches his and Jaehyun follows closely after him. By the time they’re done the sheets are a mess and so are the heap of clothes on the floor. As twisted as it sounds, the entire experience has become a habit for the pair. And if there’s one thing they’ll ever agree on, it’s the fact that it’s a mind blowing feeling. Doyoung lies on his stomach, back towards Jaehyun and sheets covering his body from waist down. He closes his eyes, by this time Jaehyun’s usually done catching his breath and quietly gathering his clothes in preparation to leave. It’s an unspoken rule ; no cuddling, no pillow-talking, nothing of that sort. As much as a part of Doyoung selfishly craves that, he knows it’s a cruel thing to do. To whisper soft nothings in bed to his best friend’s boyfriend. The rest of the things they do are just as fucked up, he knows, but talking to Jaehyun would make everything seem so much more real. And Doyoung isn’t sure if he can handle that. He draws the line at emotional involvement. The idea of his feelings for Jaehyun intensifying, to the point where he can no longer blame it on just being physical attraction, scares Doyoung. 

Which is exactly why he’s confused when he doesn’t feel the bed dip beside him and the coldness hitting his back. When there’s no shuffling of feet or soft click of the door, signifying Jaehyun’s absence. Doyoung actually doubts his senses and turns over so he’s lying on his back. Sure enough, Jaehyun’s there, just staring at the wall blankly. It's different. Jaehyun feels different. A smile makes its way onto his face when he notices Doyoung’s hesitant glances at him. After a moment of simmering in his thoughts silently, Doyoung speaks his mind, “Why are you still here?” 

“What if I proposed to Taeyong?” Jaehyun is out of his mind, Doyoung’s convinced. To say something of that sort, while he’s in bed with Doyoung - he can’t get his mind around it. Doyoung inhales a sharp breath, but remains silent otherwise. He should voice his concern for Taeyong, but instead bitter resentment flows through his veins, borderlining jealousy. Jaehyun turns to face Doyoung, his face rests against his palm and he snuggles into the pillow. He analyzes Doyoung’s face. The slight dip of the corner of his mouth, the indentation on his forehead while he tries his best to keep his eyebrows from furrowing. The little changes in his expression gives his feelings away, no matter how hard he tries to mask them. Jaehyun lets out a low baritone chuckle, he sounds tired.

_ This must be what his morning voice sounds like.  _

Doyoung finds himself imagining it, what it would feel like to wake up next to Jaehyun in the morning. But he doesn’t dare make eye contact with him. Feeling Jaehyun's eyes roam his face is enough to set his heart thumping in a way he doesn’t approve of. 

“And, if I tell you I’m planning on ending things with him?” 

Now that makes Doyoung’s head turn. There's a sharp intake of breath and Doyoung is confused. What is he playing at? Doyoung’s eyebrows furrow when Jaehyun laughs again, happily. His words and expressions are contrasting and unpredictable. They catch Doyoung off guard. An effect not many people have on him, given his quick wits. But the things Jaehyun says often seesaw between being absolute crap or dead serious, and Doyoung can never figure out which. “Why-” 

“I was wondering what expression you’d make at that.” 

Doyoung has to roll his eyes and let out a breath of exasperation. He lazily slaps Jaehyun’s shoulder, “You little fucking-” Jaehyun’s hand comes up and his index finger presses against Doyoung’s lips to shush him. Doyoung smacks it away in annoyance and huffs out a breath. “You know, that was your cue to suck on my finger so we could have a second round.” Jaehyun winks.

“Shut up.” Doyoung’s frustrated by his teasing but his voice comes out much lower than what he intends when he catches Jaehyun’s eyes fluttering close. He drinks in the sight in front of him, it’s the only time he’ll be able to see Jaehyun like this. His long eyelashes fall against his cheeks, lips set in a natural pout and the moonlight makes his skin glow, almost. His hair is matted down and sticks to his forehead because of the sweat. He looks worn out but so beautiful. Doyoung’s hands itch to trace the outline of his face, or to lazily draw circles on his biceps. To feel Jaehyun’s skin against his own in a more warm and tender way, not driven by lust or anger or any of the tense feelings that are usually present between them. He’s pulled out of his reverie when Jaehyun cracks an eyelid open. He silently smirks before opening both eyes and gazing at Doyoung. He thinks Doyoung is beautiful too, but much like the boy next to him, he can't do anything about the feeling. It’s as if chains hold them to their place. No one makes a move, not even little movements like scooting closer to each other, or tangling their legs together after stretching them. The line between them is drawn and it’s something none of them dare to cross. 

“I meant it.” Jaehyun’s voice drops to a whisper, “When I said I'd help you. It wasn't just to get with you.” 

The confession confuses Doyoung. In fact everything about the night confuses him, and after the hurricane of a day he’s had, Doyoung can’t muster enough energy to think about it. He gazes at Jaehyun until his own eyes flutter close because of the tiredness and drifts off into a blissful slumber. 

When he wakes up the next morning his bed is empty and cold. And he almost believes it was a dream until he spots a note on his bedside table alongside with a messy scribble across it. 

_ Hyung ;) Talked to Yuta for you, call me whenever you can.  _

_ -Jaehyun.  _

A smile makes his way onto his face unconsciously while reading it, but it fades as soon as it comes. Doyoung is terrified of the feeling that’s blooming in his chest.

  
  


-

  
  


_ I love chocolate cake. _

Doyoung stares at the decadent treat in front of him, hunger swimming in his eyes but tears his gaze away when Jaehyun smiles at him. He clears his throat in embarrassment and brings the straw to his lips, sipping on his iced coffee, “So? Why’d you call me here?” He watches Jaehyun stir his cappuccino. He takes a scalding sip and leisurely gazes out the window they’re seated beside. It’s a bustling morning, a bright melody plays in the background and a sweet scent of freshly baked goods engulfs the cafe. Doyoung nimbly places his glass down and watches the way the sunlight falls on Jaehyun’s face, painting him in warmth. His dark eyes are the colour of sweet caramel, changing shades with the varying intensities of light falling on them and Doyoung wishes he could take a picture of the scene in front of him. 

“You need to apologize to Mark.” He’s all but shoved back to reality. A scowl makes its way onto his face. Doyoung lets out a ‘tsk’ of frustration and crosses his arms, “Not happening.” And Jaehyun only smiles in response. The bell above the door chimes as it’s opened, making their eyes move to the two figures walking in. Jaehyun turns to Doyoung, watching his mouth fall agape like a fish out of water. He apologetically shrugs his shoulders in response and purses his lips, “Too bad.” Jaehyun stands up and waves Mark and Yuta over. Mark is stiff and awkward, face contorted into a shy grimace. Yuta, on the other hand, stands silently with his shoulders squared, choosing to ignore Doyoung’s presence as a whole. “Can we get two more chairs here? Thank you!” Jaehyun requests. 

When they’re comfortably seated, all of their eyes expectantly stare at Doyoung. He squirms underneath their gazes, choosing to quickly stuff his mouth with cake. Yuta scoffs at the action. He clicks his tongue against his cheek in annoyance and looks away, arms crossed. Doyoung picks up on his response and glares at the side of his cheek. It earns him a kick on the leg from Jaehyun. Doyoung wants to yelp in pain, but instead chokes on the chocolate cake. He really set himself up for that. Yuta, happening to sit beside Doyoung, rolls his eyes and reaches out to pat him on the back to ease the coughs. “Idiot.” He grumbles before pushing the iced coffee closer to his grasp, his pats growing more violent.

Mark stares at them with pursed lips before breaking into laughter. The sound seems to ease the tension a little. Yuta’s eyes soften, Doyoung falls silent and Jaehyun lets out a relieved sigh. “So…?” Doyoung glares at Jaehyun staring at him in determination, sending him hints through his eyes, to which he only mouths a ‘fuck you’. He clears his throat and clasps his hands in front of him, fiddling with his fingers. I’m sorry. It’s all he has to say. It’s as simple as that, he knows. But the words still get stuck in his throat. Doyoung opens and closes his mouth multiple times, trying to address the elephant in the room in different ways but nothing really sounds right. “I don’t have all the time in the world.” Yuta’s head turns to glare at Jaehyun who stares back at him sheepishly, “You shouldn’t have called us here to waste our time.” 

Jaehyun huffs out a sigh, giving Doyoung one last look of disappointment, “I’m sorry-”

“I’m sorry.” Doyoung mumbles it so fast that his words are nearly indistinguishable. The rest of the boys stare at him in bewilderment and he sighs. “I’m. Sorry.” He repeats slowly. Mark nods at him in understanding, “It’s okay.” 

“No, it isn’t.” Mark reaches out and grabs Yuta’s arm, shaking his head “Let it go.” Mark pleads him with widened eyes. Yuta only shrugs his arm away to turn in Doyoung’s direction before reaching out his own hand to weave it through Mark’s warm ones. “We’re not just screwing, we’re together. We were together that night and we are together today.” The sudden announcement sends both Doyoung and Jaehyun reeling. 

“Congratulations!” 

“How was I supposed to know that.” Their responses are a stark contrast, both coming out at the same time. Doyoung’s cheeks flush red while Jaehyun gives him a look of warning, stepping on his foot. He lets out a yelp at it and Jaehyun mumbles out a low “Deserve.” 

Mark and Yuta watch the exchange in amusement. “Thank you hyung.” Mark gratefully responds to Jaehyun and bites his lips awkwardly when he stares at Doyoung. Yuta glares at the side of Doyoung’s head, “Are you trying to start another fight, you fucker?” 

“Whatever, coffee’s on me today.” Doyoung grumbles out making Yuta burst into laughter, “That’s more like it!” He reaches out and hugs a stiff Doyoung who elbows him “You only like me for my money, I knew it.” 

“Got me there,” Yuta teases.

And just like that, the once tense table livens up with chatter. Doyoung locks eyes with Jaehyun who leans back in his seat, a look of satisfaction on his face as he mutters “I told you so.” 

It makes Doyoung roll his eyes at him, but he still mumbles, “Thank you.” And he really means it. 

By the time they leave it feels like nothing went wrong at all. 

Jaehyun and Doyoung wave at the new couple as their taxi drives off. Doyoung lowers his hand but a permanent smile seems to be etched onto his face. His happiness is so contagious it begins rubbing off on Jaehyun. He nudges his shoulders against Doyoung’s, “You should be grateful for me.” 

“My ass.” 

“Yes it’s nice, like me.”

“You like it that much?” Doyoung rolls his eyes but goes along with Jaehyun’s teasing.

“You couldn’t tell?” Jaehyun glances around them in caution before hitting Doyoung on his butt. A firm smack resounds and Doyoung gasps before glaring at him. “You little…” Jaehyun winks in response.

Doyoung crosses his arms over his chest, pretending to be angry at the younger boy “I thought you were going to fix the situation, not sell me out Jaehyun!” 

As expected, the feigned anger really has no effect on him. In fact, it seems to make Jaehyun even happier, knowing that he’s gotten a reaction out of Doyoung. He strokes an imaginary beard in deep thought and looks around them before widening his eyes and beaming at Doyoung, “If I pay you back with ice cream am I forgiven?” 

Doyoung stares at him for a while, stubbornly trying to resist until he finally caves. “Fine.” 

Jaehyun grabs his arm and leads them to an ice cream truck where they both get soft serves. Doyoung likes the chocolate flavoured one and he learns that Jaehyun prefers the classic vanilla. With the sun-scorched, melting ice creams in hand, they walk through the city streets together. It’s fun. Being with Jaehyun like this is fun. It’s starkly different from how they usually are. It’s unburdening, free of tension. They talk, they laugh, they tease. As much as they usually quarrel and butt heads with each other, their personalities actually click pretty well together. With similar wits and smarts, views on life that they can mutually agree on and humour they both understand. 

Watching Doyoung enjoy his treat, a devious idea forms in Jaehyun's mind. He pushes Doyoung’s ice cream into his face which makes Doyoung freeze for a while before getting back at him. He swipes a finger across Jaehyun’s ice cream and smears it across his cheeks. Jaehyun erupts in a fit of laughter at how ridiculous Doyoung looks with a big blob of ice cream in the dead centre of his face. 

And in that split second of happiness, a horrible thought runs through Doyoung’s mind. 

_ I love him.  _

He stops in his tracks and stares at Jaehyun, with a distant look of adoration in his eyes. It’s much more than just physical attraction, there is no use in denying it anymore. Jaehyun’s laugh sounds melodic to him, he loves it. The way his eyes form crescent moons, the deep dimples that give him a boyish charm, the way he looks when the wind blows into his hair, and even with the smears of ice cream across his cheeks, Doyoung loves him. He loves it all. It’s not good for his heart, this love. It’s fucked up. He’s on an express train to heartbreak and there is no stop button. 

As if that realization wasn’t enough, the next few things that happen absolutely destroy any ounce of hope in his heart and harshly pull him back to reality. 

Jaehyun’s phone begins to ring and his laughter comes to a halt. He fishes it out of his pocket and answers it with, “Hey babe!” His brows furrow as he listens intently to whatever Taeyong is saying, “Turn around?” He swivels in his spot and Doyoung follows his gaze. Taeyong is smiling at them, phone still held to his ear. He walks over to them and smiles fondly at Jaehyun who mirrors his expression. He even leans down to press a brief kiss against Taeyong’s cheek, hands snaking around his waist. 

Doyoung’s stomach lurches at the sight. It feels like someone’s rubbing salt into the cracks of his heart which are already wounded and raw from his recent epiphany. His mind wanders to the memories of all the nights Jaehyun held him. And the desire to be in his warm arms is enough to almost bring tears into his eyes. 

_ Why can’t I be like that? _

It feels suffocating. To not be able to love the person his heart wants to, in daylight. To have to sneak around, be sworn to secrecy and have something between them that neither really want to address. The fact that the feeling of Jaehyun’s touch comes with an expiration date till the next morning, sometimes not even completely that. Doyoung hates it all. Everything about his current predicament.

No matter how happy Jaehyun’s recent softness had made him, Doyoung realizes it’s time that he faces reality. It may not just be physical to him, but what they have is something that will never grow beyond that. It can’t.

“Doie!!” He jumps in his place when he hears Taeyong’s voice call him. “Huh- what were you saying? I didn’t catch it.” Taeyong shakes his head at him in amusement and Jaehyun also smiles along, but he can’t help but furrow his brows at Doyoung’s sudden, uncharacteristic behaviour. “I was asking, where you’ve been keeping my boyfriend all morning,” Taeyong laughs and wraps a hand around Doyoung’s neck. Feeling his fingers press against his bruise makes Doyoung yelp in pain and back away. “Dont-,” Jaehyun hastily pulls Taeyong back and stares at Doyoung in concern. “Are you okay?” 

Doyoung nurses his neck and quickly nods. Jaehyun sighs before meeting Taeyong’s eyes, who also gazes at the pair in concern and curiosity, “He played the violin too hard.” 

“Oh…I’m sorry.” Taeyong bites his bottom lip and inches his hand towards Doyoung to comfortingly rub his back. Doyoung mumbles out an “It’s okay.” 

They fall silent until a thought strikes Taeyong and he widens his eyes, “Oh!” He snaps his fingers like he’s just remembered something “I’m sorry we couldn’t make it to your show yesterday!” He grasps onto Jaehyun’s arm and stares at Doyoung apologetically.

Doyoung furrows his eyebrows at Jaehyun as his familiar words echo through his brain like a broken record.

_ “Taeyong? He couldn’t make it.”  _

Jaehyun licks his bottom lip and gulps uncomfortably. His eyes flicker between the two in front of him. Before Doyoung can say anything, he grabs Taeyong’s face at an alarmingly quick speed, almost giving him whiplash. He squishes his cheeks in his hold, “Babe! I patched things up between Yuta and Doyoung!” His eagerness to change the subject makes Doyoung stare him down in suspicion. Did he lie to Taeyong? Just to come meet Doyoung? What does that mean? Doyoung’s mind spirals into an endless flurry of questions. 

Taeyong lets out a squeak of excitement and wraps his arms around Jaehyun, “You angel!” He pulls back and stares at Doyoung, “That means you’ll make it to Johnny’s house party tomorrow night, won’t you? You have to come!” 

Doyoung purses his lips and glances at Jaehyun. His heart thumps against his chest in a way he doesn’t want it to and he realizes he has to do what’s best for him, even at the expense of his desires. He has to put his needs before his wants. He wants Jaehyun, but he needs to move on and find peace. 

He nods at Taeyong, “I’ll be there.” His gaze on Jaehyun doesn’t break. 

One night stands only work until someone catches feelings, and since Doyoung’s realized his, he has to put a stop to it. For his own sake. He’ll end things at Johnny’s party. He’ll end everything that tethers him and Jaehyun in this fucked up, tangled situation.


	3. champagne and closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wild, is all i can say about this chapter

**Chapter 3**

  
  


Johnny’s parties seldom are a casual event. With a house comparable to a mansion and invitations sent out to every notable person in his life, the event is quick to become the talk of the town as one of the largest networking events. Working and playing at the same time was Johnny’s signature, after all. 

Doyoung holds a bottle of wine in one hand and rings the doorbell of the beautifully crafted, modern estate. 

He’s clad in a light blue dress shirt with the top buttons undone to display the dainty necklace that sits on his collarbones. The shirt hangs loosely around his shoulders and it’s tucked into well fitting pants that cinch at his waist, the combination makes for a dangerously attractive fit that perfectly compliments the silhouette of his body. A distant scent of bergamot comes off him, because of lightly spritzed cologne and his hair is alluringly swept to one side. 

Doyoung did not come to play. 

Johnny opens the door with Taeil tucked under one arm, peeking his head out. The sight of Doyoung makes their eyes fractionally widen before Taeil lets out a low whistle and Johnny smirks at him, “Looking good, my man,” With a pat on the back, he’s welcomed inside the house. The interior looks like it came straight out of a magazine and strings of people are mingling with each other over drinks and fancy bite sized appetizers. A flute of champagne is shoved into his hand and Johnny grabs him by the shoulder, leading him to the living room. Doyoung slowly nods along to the smooth jazz music playing from the speakers while he indulges himself in a sip of the expensive drink. “Nice isn’t it?” Taeil tilts his own glass at him, “Johnny’s taste never fails to satisfy.” 

Doyoung hums in agreement before his eyes sweep across the room to find a few familiar faces in the crowd. Yuta and Mark wave him over to their spot near the grand piano, and upon seeing their reaction two immensely familiar figures turn to face him. It makes a wave of dread wash over Doyoung and by the time he’s walked over to them he’s done gulping down the drink in his hands, in hopes that it’s bubbliness settles his nerves. 

“Wow. You look  _ good _ .” He’s nudged by Taeyong and all the others nod in agreement except Jaehyun. He’s holding his breath, eyes scanning Doyoung up and down and taking in his sight in such a way that it sends tingles down Doyoung’s spine and makes his ears turn bright red. 

_ Should’ve toned the outfit down. _

He locks eyes with Jaehyun. His gaze is piercing, electric and it makes the oh so familiar feeling of lust pool within Doyoung. It’s going to be an upsetting night, Doyoung thinks, and he’d rather be dressed to the nines for it at least. The thought comforts him, strangely. So what if things aren’t going to work out with Jaehyun. At least he has himself and he looks darn good while he’s at it. That’s enough.

....Right?

He internally sighs and purses his lips, gaze moving away from Jaehyun. Maybe ignoring him for now is in his best interest. He fears that it will make his heart crave for a change of mind and he can’t let that happen. He’s a man on a mission. And he can’t let anything get in his way,  _ especially _ not Jaehyun’s perfectly sculpted face or the snug fitting shirt which leaves very little of his physique to the imagination. The clench of his jaw, hair falling above his eyes. His wide shoulders and firm biceps.

“I’m starving!!” Taeyong blubbers out, stomping his feet lightly. Doyoung jolts out of his thoughts. Everyone grins at Taeyong’s adorableness fondly and Doyoung finds himself smiling along too at his friend’s childish antics. “You’re right,” Yuta chimes in, “Everything around here is perfect except for the finger sized sandwiches.” 

Doyoung rolls his eyes, “They’re called  _ hors d'oeuvres _ , you uncultured idiot.” 

Yuta smacks him on the arm, “You live in France one year and you think you can suddenly school me now?” 

“Geez,” Doyoung glares, rubbing his arm, “Why are you always this violent?”

“He needs to get laid,” Taeyong’s voice lilts in a teasing manner and the remark makes Mark blush like a tomato. Yuta smirks and puts the moment to good use by teasing him some more, “Oh trust me, I’m beyond satisfied in that region.” Mark glares at him now, not budging when Yuta tries to lean in for a kiss which makes him coo out apologies until he finally caves. 

“Your neck.” Doyoung almost yelps in surprise when a sudden baritone voice pipes into the conversation. All eyes move to Jaehyun who points at Doyoung’s neck, finger hovering closely over his skin. He blinks awkwardly, “Is it okay?” 

Doyoung’s mouth parts and he stares at Jaehyun in surprise. He feels parched. Licking his bottom lip with his tongue, Doyoung quickly nods. 

“Oh. Good.” 

An awkward silence envelopes them and Doyoung excuses himself from the group. He’s eager to get away from them but as he’s walking away, he hears them conversing and the words make a venomous feeling of jealousy rise up his throat. He halts in his place, discreetly stealing a glance behind him. 

Behind him, Jaehyun grips Taeyong’s wrist, “Babe, can we talk in private for a second?” 

Yuta lets out a low whistle, “Dang someone’s eager. A little early to disappear off together don’t ya think?” 

Taeyong lets out an awkward giggle and flushes. But a sense of discomfort looms over him because he sees what Doyoung doesn’t. A dreadful look of determination in Jaehyun’s eyes which say he isn’t fooling around. He means business. 

When he hears the shuffle of footsteps meaning they’ve walked away. Doyoung sighs. He’s grateful that a waiter bearing a tray of drinks walks past him as he grabs his second glass of the night. All kinds of images form in his mind and he finds himself thinking : What are they doing right now? Are they kissing? Are they making out? Are they whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears? Are they laughing and teasing each other? Doyoung grips the glass tightly in his hands, his knuckles turning white. He wills himself to just forget and move on, after all with the confession he has planned, none of this will matter by the end of the night. Him and Jaehyun are going to end. For good. 

A couple of familiar faces wave him over to the kitchen and he finds himself in the company of Taeil and Johnny again, this time they’re joined by Lucas. He pops an olive into his mouth and smiles at Doyoung, “Johnny’s getting the good stuff out for us,” He points at Johnny who reaches into a cabinet and brings out a couple of bottles of strong liquor, displaying them on the counter for his friends to choose. “Thank God,” Taeil sighs, “I was getting sick of the champagne.” 

Johnny scowls at him, “I’ll have you know that is the bes-”, He stops mid-sentence when Taeil rolls his eyes and flashes him a deadpan look. “You’ve been serving the same brand for what, five years straight now John!” 

Johnny crosses his arms over his chest and sticks his tongue out at Taeil childishly, “Whatever.” 

Doyoung is glad to be in their presence. It helps him deviate his thoughts from the invasive flurry of assumptions and jealousy, and gives him a good laugh.

Lucas shushes them and slides two shot glasses their way before smiling at Doyoung, “You in?” 

Doyoung bites his bottom lip and thinks for a while before shaking his head. It’s better if he didn’t have more alcohol in him than the amount required for him to muster up some courage. He didn’t want to end up making a fool out of himself in front of Doyoung, or worse ; a scene. 

The tapping of shoes resounds behind him, “Kim Doyoung?” 

His face blanches at the voice and the three in front of him grow visibly uncomfortable. Taeil, not-so-discreetly shoots a glare at Johnny, and whisper yells, “Why’d you invite him?!” 

“Our fathers are friends, I didn’t have a choice!” He whispers back with just as much furiousness. He turns to apologetically stare at Doyoung who only nods numbly and sucks in a breath through his teeth. 

“Hyung.” Doyoung bites out through clenched teeth. Low and behold, in front of him is his older brother, in the flesh. The tormentor of his teenage years, the very person who tried to clip his wings and stop Doyoung from succeeding time and time again. Brothers sworn to enmity, seldom cooperative. In fact, it’s the first time he shows himself in front of Doyoung in three years. And boy have the years taken a toll on him. 

He’s clad in an expensive business attire, million dollar watch on his wrist. A boastful aura emanates from him, and he undoubtedly still has his head stuck up his ass. Doyoung wonders if it’s gotten bigger with his ego. His brother’s eyebrows are raised, and he saunters over to Doyoung. They’re face to face. 

His brother smirks, “Came back to Korea and didn’t even bother to call me, brother?” He juts his bottom lip out in feigned and over-exaggerated sadness, “Did you at least tell father? Oh! Or does he still not talk to you?” 

Anger flares in Doyoung’s eyes and he squares his shoulders, standing taller, “What’s it to you? Still sucking up to him or did you finally grow some balls?” 

His words don’t seem to affect his brother though, he only stuffs his hands into his pockets casually. “You haven’t changed at all. Jealousy’s still your colour.” 

“Stop spewing useless crap, dickhead.” 

“Do you guys see the mouth on this guy?” His brother points at him and stares at his friends with widened eyes before shaking his head in disappointment, “You never learn, Doie.” 

Doyoung’s chest heaves up and down while he tries to control his anger. He can’t let the night spiral out of his control, not now. He can’t let it affect him.

A wicked glint shines in his brother’s eyes before he delivers the final blow, and it burns. 

“No wonder you’re still disowned.” 

Everyone in the room flinches. The words contribute to the response, yes, but the sharp sound of glass shattering does the most part. Doyoung’s hand is on the counter, all his anger seems to have been channelled into putting the flute of champagne down. He finds himself tensely gripping a piece of glass before letting go of it and hissing in pain. The alcohol dripping down his hand doesn’t help it one bit. He turns to his brother, brows knitted in anger and eyes holding a dangerous glint. “Get out!” His booming voice makes everyone jolt in their spots, even causing a cluster of bystanders to gather by the door. Doyoung notices them and takes a deep breath to contain himself again. “Before I do something both of us regret, get out.” 

His brothers ‘tsk’s in response but obliges anyways, seeming shaken up himself at Doyoung’s outburst. And Doyoung internally scoffs, what did he expect when he sought out trouble for himself? When he leaves, Johnny and Lucas rush to get rid of the people gathering by the door, staring at the scene in interest. Doyoung clenches his jaw and stares at the hands that are so precious to him, his palm bleeds. He wonders what he’s done wrong. Is this just the price of following his dreams? If so, how long until he’s done paying his dues? 

He looks up when a hand comfortingly rubs his back, and he finds Taeil pushing him in the direction of the sink. He lets out a sigh and stares at him, “C’mon big guy, let’s get that patched up.” 

With a curt nod, Doyoung follows him. He runs water over his wound and Taeil disinfects it before wrapping it with a good amount of gauze. Johnny and Lucas make their way over to them and an awkward silence envelopes them. Doyoung feels like an intruder, having disturbed their peace. 

“I’m sorry.” He apologizes to them, before excusing himself for the second time that night. 

How much worse could the night get? A lot more, is what he realizes soon. 

For the next hour of the party Doyoung finds himself wandering around by his lonesome, around the large house. He goes to the gardens, the library, walking by the kitchen only to retreat when he hears his friends indulging in a heated drinking game. He tries to participate in conversations with some groups of acquaintances, but he doesn’t stay in them for long, opting to quietly slip away. With every passing minute he feels himself getting more drained. The party seems to become more and more suffocating and in the end he finds himself standing on a balcony, facing the garden. 

He takes a familiar carton out of his pockets and places a stick in his mouth before lighting it. He inhales and exhales, a plume of smoke wafts into his face and the familiar calmness sets into him again. He looks up at the sky, it’s very beautiful tonight. There are no clouds, just the moon shining down brightly and a scatter of stars. The chatter sound of music and chatter is faint from where he’s standing, the chirp of grasshoppers drowns a lot of it out. Albeit calming down a little from before, Doyoung’s mind doesn’t become absolutely worry free. In fact, he begins to wonder what he should say to Jaehyun and when. Can he even do it tonight? Or is Jaehyun too busy loving his boyfriend to spare him any time? Unconsciously he finds himself rehearsing the words under his breath.

‘I can’t do it anymore.’ 

‘We’re done.’

‘I’m not going to sleep with you anymore.’

‘Let’s end whatever we have.’ 

“Hey, mind if I join?” Doyoung stares when he feels warmth against his shoulders. 

Speak of the devil.

Jaehyun grins at him and tries to grab a cigarette from him but Doyoung backs away with a gulp. The boy frowns back at him and his eyes flit to Doyoung’s hand, the injured one and he rushes forward, “Doyoung, what happened?” 

Ignoring the concern on Jaehyun’s face, Doyoung stumbles back even more. Holding his good hand out to keep Jaehyun away. 

“Doyoung?”

“Stay there.” 

A strong gust of wind blows and that along with the rush of adrenaline and anxiety that goes through him, makes Doyoung shiver in his spot. Jaehyun’s frown deepens and he furrows his brows, “What’s wrong?”

“We need to end things. Whatever fucked up thing we have between us, it has to stop.” 

The sudden words make Jaehyun blink at him in confusion and an almost instant reply slips out of his mouth. “All of a sudden?” There’s a nervous quiver in his voice.

Doyoung nods but he can’t bring himself to utter a single word, because watching Jaehyun underneath the moonlight makes his heart flutter again. He takes a deep breath, Jaehyun is so beautiful. It makes the words bubble up his throat and before he knows it they’re on the tip of his tongue. Doyoung is so close to spilling them out. 

“Why?” Jaehyun reaches out to him and hesitantly touches his shoulders, pulling him closer. 

A pressure builds within Doyoung’s chest, and adrenaline takes over. It grows slowly and then hits him all at once. 

“Because I’m in love with you.” Doyoung grasps Jaehyun’s hands, revelling in their warmth for the last time. He tries to memorize the feeling of it. 

“Doyoung.” Jaehyun’s mouth parts but before he can say anything Doyoung shrugs his hands off his shoulders. 

“That’s why we can’t go on.” Thinking over it, Doyoung almost lets out a laugh. 

_ That’s my reason? Not any of the other moral red flags? The very obvious fact that he's my bestfriend's boyfriend? _

His mind flits to Taeyong and he can’t help but think of how selfish he’s been all this time. Jaehyun purses his lips before running a hand through his hair in frustration, “Doyoung, I-,” he licks his bottom lip before gazing into his eyes, “I ended things. With Taeyong.” 

“What?” He whispers breathlessly. A cruel, cruel, feeling of hope makes its way inside his heart. He stares into Jaehyun’s expectant eyes and he opens his mouth to say something when something else interrupts them. 

Taeyong stumbles into the balcony, intoxicated out of his mind. Taeil follows after him, trying to keep him from getting hurt and a guilty look makes its way onto his face for intruding into the very personal conversation. “He drank a lot of Johnny’s liquor.” 

Seeing Taeyong, knowing that he knows the truth. It makes things so much more real. “Yeah!” Taeyong manages to walk over to them and he pumps his fist in the air. “He dumped me and it’s all because of you mister.” Taeyong points Doyoung’s chest and both Taeil and Jaehyun rush forward to hold him back. He roughly shoves their hands off from constraining him, “Let go! I need to talk to Doyoung!” 

Taeyong grabs Doyoung by both his arms and gazes up at him with a strange smile. And, to everyone’s surprise Taeyong grabs Doyoung by his cheeks, leans in and plants a kiss straight onto his lips squarely. It’s rough and sloppy and Doyoung reels. He pushes Taeyong back, who starts giggling. 

“You…” Doyoung’s hands hover over his lips. He can’t form coherent thoughts in his mind, let alone get any words out. Nothing makes sense. 

“I love you, Doyoung.” Taeyong confesses, “It’s why Jaehyun slept with you.” 

And right then and there, in that moment, Doyoung swears he feels like his heart’s stopped beating. His mouth parts, and his bottom lip quivers. His head feels like it’s being split into two while he tries to digest the information. Taeyong’s words weren’t a drunken accident either, the last sentence especially was intentional. Sharp and bitter, just how he felt when he realized the two were messing around behind his back. Just how Jaehyun felt when he realized his boyfriend is in love with Doyoung. Just how Doyoung’s about to feel in a bit. 

Doyoung wordlessly stares at them. At the best friend who loves him, and at the lover who he hoped would love him. It’s a cruel twist of fate that tears a rift between the three. It feels like the sky’s falling down, and his world truly is crashing and burning in front of him. 

_ It’s why Jaehyun slept with you. _

More than anything, that statement goes straight to his heart. All the nights shared, where one by one Doyoung gave away pieces of him, his heart. Jaehyun truly was his undoing. Doyoung gasps out a breath and he feels wetness trickling down his cheek while his vision blurs. His shoulders shake with silent sobs. Taeil stares at the scene unfolding in front of him in horror. His own shaky hand moves to his mouth and he holds back from making a noise. Taeyong drops to the ground, no longer being able to hold himself up anymore. 

Doyoung’s hand grips Taeyong’s shoulder, “I’m sorry.” For sleeping with Jaehyun, for not loving you back. 

A wave of nausea hits him. He needs to get away. He needs to go away. He begins walking to the door and it makes Jaehyun panic. “Doyoung- I can explain!” He blubbers out in desperation. His hand reaches out towards Doyoung, it’s almost like he’s trying to cling onto him. The world really is a stage, Doyoung almost laughs at his inner musing. This is the climax of his tragedy and Jung Jaehyun is the best actor he’s ever seen. 

Doyoung slips away. From him, from the horrendous turn of events, from the three-way collision that left his heart burning in the embers of sorrow. 

Doyoung slips away and he never wants to come back.

-

The next few weeks in Seoul are stormy. It’s fitting. After the recent whirlwind of happenings in Doyoung’s life, the weather seems to match his feelings, engulfing him in it’s warm embrace of gloom. 

On most days, he feels numb. It doesn’t feel real, how could things go this haywire? 

On other days he’s a broken dam of feelings. 

Currently? He’s staring blankly at his bedroom wall, bundled in blankets. His lights are off, curtains closed. It’s still early, but it’s dark outside because of the rain. 

In his feeling-filled angst movie-like moment, a grumble from his stomach reminds him that he has to get up and function in the real world again. He sighs, getting out of bed. He knows he’ll have to go out to get some groceries and he dreads it. He feels lethargic. With an inkling of hope in his mind, he pads into the dark kitchen and opens the fridge ; knowing that nothing will be there, hoping that something, miraculously, is. He has to squint at the bright light. The cold air makes him shiver and he closes it with a frustrating slam before putting on a warm hoodie and his shoes.

The walk to and from the convenience store isn’t a pleasant one. Everywhere he goes there’s puddles and ditches, the roads are muddy and his umbrella barely withstands the heavy downpour. He buys a hoard of instant food, ranging from ramen to rice, and a couple of bottles of banana milk. 

It isn’t long before Doyoung’s apartment complex comes into view again. He ducks his face, hoping he won’t encounter or have to strike up a conversation with anyone familiar. He really isn’t in the mood. But fate doesn’t favour him, never really has. 

A hand clamps down on his shoulder before he can get into the warmth of the building, and a breathless whisper behind him makes him stop in his tracks, “Doyoung. Please, hear me out.” 

The familiar pang of pain strikes him in the tender spot in his heart again. But, it isn’t the only feeling that emerges. Red, hot anger. It rears it’s horrible head forward, jumping at the chance to project all his frustrations onto the person behind him. He swivels in his spot, eyes flaring with multiple emotions. And he sees him standing there. Drenched to his bone, an unflinching Jaehyun stares at him in desperation. Doyoung’s face contorts into one of irritation, and he’s about to tell him off before Jaehyun pipes up again, “Please, just hear me out.” 

He licks his bottom lip and doesn’t even pause a beat before speaking again, “Doyoung, I love you.” 

The confession is distraught. Jaehyun runs his hands through his hair wildly. 

Doyoung bites down on his bottom lip and a million different feelings run through him. Anger, disbelief, a thought running along the lines of ‘the nerve of this guy’, sadness, and even a strange urge to give into his deepest desires and turn a blind eye to the hurt. To succumb to his dangerous habits. 

But most of all, he’s disappointed. At Jaehyun’s confession, at his own one. Did it have to be this way? In such moments of desperation and dejection. A confession that seemed almost forced, a last ditch effort to make things go their way, to keep their plans from falling apart. And Doyoung feels bad, for the both of them, for Taeyong. He’s sorry that things panned out the way they did.

Before things fell apart, they were beautiful. Tender. Maybe it was too much.

Doyoung smiles at Jaehyun sadly, watching the way the rain washes away his tears before stuffing his umbrella into Jaehyun’s grip. 

“It’s too late.” 

Doyoung heads to his apartment and the first thing he does is pack his suitcase. He’s going to escape.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Epilogue**

_Two years later..._

"You need to come back Doyoung." 

A frustrated sigh leaves his lips and his chair creaks in resistance when he slumps into it. One hand holds his phone to his ear while the other nimbly scrolls down the flight booking website on his laptop. One-way flights to korea. 

"C'mon. People are beginning to wonder if you're covering up some serious scandal. Do you want to come back when you're a no-name artist and bum around?" 

"Alright. I get you." Doyoung groans at his agent. "I'm booking a flight right now. Stop nagging me." 

"It's for your own good, you know it." 

"Whatever." Doyoung scowls, hanging up. He stares at the laptop screen for a little longer before shutting it abruptly and getting up from his seat. With his phone in his hand he walks over to his window sill and leans against it, gazing at the view of the street. 

Two years have passed. Two years since he up and left, cutting contract with almost everyone in his life save for his family and agent. This time around, he's made his home in Amsterdam. In a quaint neighborhood, with a cafe around the block and record shop down the street. A place that seems to be bursting with happiness. It's in the freshly baked cookies from his neighbours and children cycling down the street. In the barbecues with new friends and warm nights by the fireplace. 

It's been nice. It's helped him forget. He's moved on enough now, and recently even taken up the task of busking on the streets on random Sundays, and playing at open mics in random diners.

He stares down at his phone, clicking on instagram. For the first time in two years, he'd posted a picture last night. A blurry silhouette of his back underneath a lamp post. 

'따뜻함' Is what he captions it. Warmth. 

It causes quite the stir apparently, because he has to mute his notifications at the sheer flurry of comments flooding the post. It's a mixed reaction. On one hand, people send him love and pledges of support. On the other, there's words like 'What happened to him?' 

'Why'd he disappear?'

'Did he knock someone up? lol' 

And the seemingly endless rabbit hole of questions and assumptions is enough to make him laugh. 

Along with questions, there's also messages. From people he owes an explanation to, from people he hasn't contacted at all. What would he say to them? Surely, they knew everything by now. The reason why Kim Doyoung left without a trace. The fact that it was caused by him sleeping with his best friend's boyfriend and then catching feelings for him which snowballed into an even more complicated mess. Doyoung doesn't know if he's the villain in his own story or if he's just a plain fool. He clicks on the messages one by one. 

**Yuta** : Come back soon you moron. We miss you.

**Johnny** : Are you fine?

**Taeil** : Miss you Doie.

**Mark** : Doyoung hyung...I hope you're okay :( 

  
  


And finally, 

**Taeyong** : Are you alright? Don't lie.

Doyoung sucks in a deep breath, waiting for the sting that old memories bring, but he's pleasantly surprised when it doesn't come. He slowly replies to all of the messages, even Taeyong's one. It's liberating, the feeling of letting go of the past. 

But strangely, he finds his finger hovering over another message buried under all of the new ones. It's from six months ago and it reads :

**Jaehyun** : I'm sorry. [ _ seen _ ]

Initially, for the first few months he'd received a flurry of messages from him. All apologies and explanations he'd already heard before just reiterated in different ways. But as time went by, his replies slowed down and halted all at once. Doyoung even forgot about his string of apologies for a while until the last message popped up. It was 8PM, Doyoung had cozied up with a warm drink and was preparing for a movie night on his own. He had stared at the message for a while, before ditching the hot chocolate for alcohol and crying his heart out the entire night. It was 3AM for Jaehyun, and he was also trying to cope with the ghosts of their past. 

It ended up being a real eye opener for Doyoung. It made him come to terms with things. 

The three of them, in their own ways, fucked up. That's all there was to it. They could either try playing the blame game, hate each other's guts and chase after what should've been for the rest of their lives. But that wouldn't stop the hurting. And after all the stages of pain and anger he'd gone through, Doyoung realized he was over holding onto bitter resentment. 

Doyoung’s finger hovers over the familiar number and he musters up enough courage to hit the ‘call’ button. 

It rings for a while, making Doyoung think he’s not going to pick up. Whatever confidence he’d collected begins to bubble away with each ring, and he’s prepared to give up when he hears faint shuffling on the other side, and then a groggy voice.

_ “Hello? Jung Jaehyun speaking.”  _

Doyoung is silent for a while.

_ “Hello?”  _

“H-hey, Jaehyun-ah. It’s me.” 

There’s more shuffling on the other end, and the abrupt sound of a door slamming shut before Jaehyun lets out an exasperated sigh,  _ “Oh.” _

“Yeah do you...have time to talk?” Doyoung unconsciously draws patterns on the surface in front of him.  _ “Yeah uh, I do.” _

He wants to cringe, but trains his eyes onto the sky instead. 

“How’ve you been?”

_ “Good. You?” _

“I’m coming back to Korea.” 

_ “Oh. That’s nice to hear, hyung.” _

Doyoung hums in response, still trying to figure out how he can address the elephant in the conversation. 

“Listen Jaehyun, I don’t think we’ve ever properly addressed....everything.” 

The silence on the other side feels deafening. Doyoung licks his dry lips, nervousness growing in him but Jaehyun’s hum of agreement puts him to ease. “Do you still...feel the same?” A question that had been bothering Doyoung’s mind and fueling his burning curiosity. 

_ “No…I don’t think so. Not anymore.” _

He purses his lips, relieved. 

“I forgive you.” The words Doyoung had been wanting to say. Closure for both of them. “And I hope you find your happiness, Jaehyun.” 

Silence again on the other line, and then faint laughter. A little more warmth seeps into the call, the air around Doyoung feels a little less cold and tense. _ “Thank you, hyung. You too.” _

Even though he can’t see it, Doyoung nods. And they talk a little more, only briefly. Basic questions, asking each other what they’d been up to, how life had panned out, plans for the future and promises to meet one day. 

Once they bid each other goodbye and hang up the phone, Doyoung can finally breathe again.

Now, he’s ready to go back home. 

He stares at the horizon, the cotton-candy clouds and the skyline of his neighbourhood.

Believing in fate was nice. Believing in warm and tender touches, silly thoughts of ‘meant-to-be’s, justified by the electricity of a touch, the look in an eye, or a fleeting feeling. But such beliefs were seldom enough to cement the gaping holes in the base of a relationship. 

It was the same case with Doyoung. As nice as it was to indulge in the tenderness of what they had, nothing could ever wash away their mistakes. The remnants would always stick to them, becoming their ruination. 

But Doyoung’s come to the conclusion that it’s alright. Making mistakes is alright.

He is human, afterall. Innately and critically flawed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi *blushing emoji*   
> so that was um that. to summarize-   
> doyoung's in love with jaehyun, taeyong's (his best friend) boyfriend  
> taeyong's in love with doyoung but never tells jaehyun (he ends up finding out anyways)  
> jaehyun cheats on taeyong with doyoung because of that but eventually ends up catching feelings for him. 
> 
> mind boggling. and each of them are so very flawed. jaehyun does shitty things from a place of hurt - still an asshole move at the end of the day. doyoung? sleeps with his best friend's boyfriend - an asshole move. taeyong isn't as much of a major asshole, but a miscommunication of feelings is what led to him being tangled up in such a mess. i initially thought that i'd end this fic with dojae ending up together happily, but after i wrote this plot line i just couldn't bring myself to do so. i want them to have closure but them ending up together just...didn't feel right. realistically they'd always hold it against each other, deep in their hearts, no matter if they acted on those feelings or not, you never really move on from such intense emotional situations. it just makes for a potentially toxic ordeal. i'm rambling on trying to justify myself (to all of you AND ME because i'm a sucker for angst with happy endings) and it's hard to explain but i just went with my gut! 
> 
> again, excuse any mistakes/plot holes, all of this was written on caffeinated midnight writing sprees. hope you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> welp i'm not sure what do say about this fic. it's mostly tension and angst :P (a personal favourite tbh, would be better if i gave it a happy ending but i just couldn't bring myself to!) i wrote it a long time ago and i swear while i was writing this i thought of so many notes to leave the reader with but my mind is now blanking and i've forgotten everything i thought of :P anyways, happy reading! have a good day/night.


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